Nothing Really Rocks

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And nothing really rolls, and nothing’s ever worth the cost¹. Even when I was riding a motorcycle, I couldn’t bring myself to get worked up about a Silver Black Phantom². I’m worried this is going to be a really footnote-heavy post.

OK, so what do I mean? “Nothin’s really worth the cost” – like changing the favicon on this site. It’s the default that comes with Blowfish, the theme I’m using. Could I change it? Sure. But then I have to find an image. Maybe I’d like a little version of one of the pictures I use on the site. Or maybe I’d like a more dapper little guy³. And by the time I think about all I have to do (change the format, create N different versions, yada yada yada), I’m so exhausted I just want to go to bed.

I’ve talked about this before in my posts on Vaporlock and Configuring Hugo. OK, the latter just because of the “People don’t want to run their own server” comment from Moxie Marlinspike, and the former because, well, you know, it’s hard to find motivation to do things when there’s an endless conveyor of things to do.

After what feels like an extended period of not being able to figure out what to do next⁴, I’m just starting to try and figure out how to spend my time. Frankly, I’m kinda tired of just doing the things that need to be done, then spending the remainder of my time basically staring at a wall⁵.

I’m slowly digging my way out of this hole⁶, and picking and choosing things to work on. Consider, I started this post over two months ago. Just thinking about what I wanted to say bored me and left me feeling like what is the point? What is the benefit? Not just to me, but to anyone⁷? I’m not suggesting that I need to have some earth shattering impact on society, or some great benefit to me⁸. And I’m trying to remember sometimes the doing is its own reward. And it’s hard. Because at this point in my life, it feels like my value is heavily dependent on what I “accomplish”. I put that in quotes because it’s a loaded term, but in general I do mean what I can do to provide for my family (financially, knowledge, toilet plunging, etc).

I used to derive a lot of feeling of value from work. I was (dare I say “am”?) good at it. But I never had any ambition. For decades I said I was sitting on a log floating down the river of life. And, really, I never did a whole lot to change course, personally or professionally. Once or twice, perhaps, I might have actually tried to make a choice to do things, but good god, no. No, usually, I let things happen to me. And I admit I have been very lucky, and certainly I have no complaints. Are there things in hindsight I wish I’d done? You bet⁹. But mostly I’m happy with how things have turned out, and feel I’ve been very fortunate¹⁰.

But then again, it doesn’t really matter. As they say, no one wishes they’d spent more time at work when they’re on their deathbed. And the older I get, the more I confirm to myself that work doesn’t give a shit about me as a person. Companies aren’t people. Sure, people work there, but they are not the company¹¹. Rather, the thing I like about work is making an impact on other folks. It’s why I do what I do. It’s what I did in college¹² and what I do in the family.

Anyway. So here I am. Perhaps I’ve just internalized the Gen X Slacker Trash motto of “Whatever”. We all fumble about wondering what we should do, and we all struggle with trying to figure out how to make our way in life. I, just like billions of other people, are trying to figure out where I fit in the world, how to do the things I want to do, how to have the kind of impact I want to have. Whatever that means, and for whatever that’s worth.